Monday, May 12, 2008

Change

Change is one of those things I can't live with and I can't live without. It's been a big year for me, and one full of changes. It really astonishes me when I look back and see where I was at this time last year. And as I continue to grow and learn, I hope that I can only say the same a year from now.

With that being said, there's one thing about me that is very slow at changing, and that's often carrying around a sense of guilt. It's one thing I'm trying to work on, but when it's pretty heavily engraved in you, it's hard to get rid of. Like a tattoo if you will. I'm going through the process of getting it covered up, but it's going to be a long process and a painful one.

Just yesterday I said good-bye to someone I truly care about. Goodbyes are never easy, and especially in this manner. I didn't even see it coming really. It was a series of events that I wish had played out differently. However, in the end you have to push aside emotion and look at what is really going on. Do you hang on for the sheer fact that you have a past together and letting that go would be hard? Or do you let go when you realize you've been tolerating a lot of things you don't agree with for far too long?

Sure, people make mistakes and are capable of changing. But what if that person doesn't even think what they are doing is wrong or care who else it affects? Just as some have no sight, or no hearing, some were born without the capacity to emphatize. They don't understand certain emotions, certain pain or certain suffering and simply don't care.

Many people as they grow older and wiser begin to realize that they need positive people in their lives. People who make them feel good and people who do good. People who think of others first and are always there when you need them. People who love! I began trying to make this change in my life about a year ago, and this one person was the only person I made an exception for. There was too much past, too much emotion and I was still holding out hope. But hoping for someone to gain the capacity to emphatize when they just aren't wired that way is pretty pointless.

I do not consider my time wasted though. I will always love and care for this person. But it's time for me to back away and try to go on without them.

And this has left me feeling guilty...

1 comment:

Adina said...

I understand what you are going through exactly. I have been at this place before...not too long ago in fact. I still feel guilty about it. But I know that my decision was best for me and my son. Even if I still feel shitty about it some days.

Here's hoping you find your peace with your situation as well!